Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
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