I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
