just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
