so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
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I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
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The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
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