I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
