i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
