please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
