i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
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Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
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The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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