Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
