I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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