My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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