Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Randomize
