I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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