And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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