i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
