No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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