I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
