Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
