george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
