at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
