My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
