I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
