all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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