So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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