I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
