So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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