what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
