He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
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