Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
