I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
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