dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
