he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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