I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
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On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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