having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
