I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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