I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My penis needs a shock collar
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
