Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
