If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
