I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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