if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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