Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
