If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We left the knife in your bed.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
