I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Plan B is the new Plan A
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
