I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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