you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
