my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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