my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
