Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
