I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
