she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
The ass gains better be worth it
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