i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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