When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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