If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
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My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
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You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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