Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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